I have debated how to write this post - if I should even put it out there and when to post it. So here I am, just following my intuition and letting the words flow.
Let me fill the world in first. Joe and I have been trying to get pregnant for a bit now; what feels like an eternity. Even though I have my hands full with a farm to run, having a child is so deeply desired with every fiber of my being. Not becoming pregnant quickly has brought conflicted feelings. On one hand, I have been impatient and not understanding of the universe and it's timing. On the other hand, I do wonder how I will do it all with a baby in tow.
Back in August my Grammy passed away. I was by her side when she took her last breath. I am so, so grateful to have been there at that moment of her life. The couple of days leading up to her death were tranquil, yet somber. She was moved to hospice knowing that her time on earth was very short. Our number one goal became making her most comfortable in her last days/hours. Her family gathered around her in her small hospice room - held her, maintained composed sadness, told her how much they loved her, encouraged her, and let her know that that we all would be okay, giving her permission to let go. This is probably one of the hardest things we can do in this life. Telling someone you love so deeply that it is okay for them to leave you and move onto the next phase not knowing when we will see each other again is heart wrenching. It's always harder to be the one left behind. Seeing someone you love suffer is even harder though. So you release them, and reassure them all will be well - even if you do not know if that is necessarily true.
Grammy's hospice room was quiet with love and so peaceful in her last hours. For some reason when I was alone with her I felt compelled to tell her how excited I was for her to see my Poppy (my passed grandfather - her husband) and then I thought she might also get to see my babies up there. She might get to hold the little one I miscarried years ago. I blurted out to her: "Tell my babies I love them and tell them to hurry up." Tears were streaming down my face. I immediately felt like that was a selfish plea in that moment but I knew that if anyone could make things happen more swiftly on that end - she was my best bet. I felt comforted suddenly by the thought of her watching after me from above and my babies being safe with her.
A few hours later she passed away and we began going through the motions of funeral arrangements and all that comes with such a time. Soon enough I was back at it on the farm. A month passed and I was taking a pregnancy test - a process that I had gotten used to, along with downplaying my hopes. But this time, it turns out different - I am pregnant! I conceived my little light just days after my Grammy's funeral.
I smile at the alchemy of it all. There are no mistakes, coincidences, just orchestrated magic. I know in my heart she is behind this. I feel her with me all the time and this little light growing inside me feels like her gift to our family after losing her. Like she knew we needed something so good to bring us back to a joyous place.
Joe and I are due in May and we are so, so excited. My family is so very excited. We are all absolutely intoxicated by the thought of a little baby coming! We are extremely blessed; we know this. And we will cherish every moment of this next beautiful journey.